Seeking God’s Heart

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream. In it I was at a Christian conference where people had been put into groups to pray together. They were gladly doing so, but I felt a restlessness with the prayers being made – they felt like shallow head-prayers: prayers that identified a need, spoke it out, asking God to deal with it, and then moved on to the next need. The people were simply praying the prayers that they were concerned about. That’s not wrong – it’s the essence of petition – BUT in my dream I felt a deep spirit yearning to break through to a deeper level of heart-felt prayer that joined with God’s heart over what He sees as our needs. I didn’t want to try and work it up in myself, to manufacture my own take on ‘heartfelt prayer’, but I knew I was being called to more. So I searched around for what I should do.

I saw a friend there who I knew was called to the same thing (in real life she has been through a season of weeping in deep prayer), and we arranged to pray together later – but when the time came I couldn’t find her, so I went outside.
As I walked the grounds I became aware of someone walking beside me. When I walked they walked, and when I stopped they stopped. I realised it was an angel, but – and this shocked me – they were praying nice head-prayers too, reflecting the prayers of the church. I knew I needed to press on, to find somewhere private to let God rend my heart.
Then I saw a friend who taught me much of what I have learned about prayer, and was going to speak to Him, but instantly knew I had to keep going: to focus only on God – so I kept walking. He became offended which upset me because he’s a good friend, but I just had to keep walking, seeking God…
Then I woke up, with the prayer of my dream still resonating in my heart: “Lord, teach me to access the new realm of prayer”

As I wrote my dream down and prayed it through I was struck first by the absolute conviction that God is calling us all to a deeper expression of prayer that truly comes from His heart, not our own thoughts. And I felt the significance of the three people who I would have expected to help, but who I had to press past in order to go deeper. And I felt they represented the things that we are all tempted to turn to when God calls us deeper:

1/ Those around us on a similar journey. God places them there for encouragement, but we must not allow them to take His place. Even others with similar callings can be a distraction from the parts of our journey that we are called to as individuals. Relationship with Him is ALWAYS experienced individually first. We must seek Him first, and let Him bring others around us in HIS timing.

2/ Angels and other spiritual manifestations. There is a real tendency among charismatic Christians to seek spiritual experiences as if they are a sign that we have ‘arrived’. But although the angel in my dream was there to walk with me, they couldn’t take me deeper into God. Shockingly, they couldn’t even pray the deeper prayers of God’s heart that were reserved for me and other humans – it was as if they were limited by our prayers! (I’m still working through the theology of that). So I had to press past their appearing to go deeper than a spiritual ‘experience’, and keep seeking God’s heart, as we all must. Jesus is our goal, not experiences.

3/ My old teacher who I love and still today is a continuing source of encouragement. I even had to ignore him and keep searching, in order to find what it was that God was truly calling ME to: ie one-to-one encounter with His heart. Even those who are genuine teachers and know God for themselves, cannot teach us the lessons that God wants to impart to us personally.

So I confessed to God that I do not know how to pray as He wants, and I don’t want to work up a human imitation of it, but for Him to teach me. I almost prayed ‘Lord, fill my heart with Yours’ but then thought how preposterous that sounded, as if His eternal, limitless heart could even fit into the confines of my feeble little human one. And in that instant I realised that that was why I had felt the need for God to rend my heart – for it to be broken open, so His heart could flow through the wide open, soft and vulnerable parts of mine.

I don’t think “Lord, break my heart” is a prayer that any sane person prays. Sure, people sing it in nice spiritual-sounding songs, and think they mean it, but as anyone who has ever truly experienced a broken heart will know, it’s not something you honestly volunteer for. And yet, there remains an invitation to pursue God’s heart, and an awareness that whoever does so opens themselves up to experiencing the overwhelming intensity – sometimes rending pain – of God’s love for the world.

I can’t pretend that I understand the fullness of what God is inviting us to, but I know I don’t want to pray nice detached head-prayers. I want to seek Him with all my heart until I have connected with His heart. And I do trust Him with my heart. So that’s what I am pursuing.
I hope you do too, but I can’t tell you what to pray: if you identify with what I have been sharing, just pray from your heart, genuinely for yourself… and then watch and wait for His answer. It won’t be an instant thing, but if you keep looking for it, it will come over time through daily opportunities.

Lead us to your heart, Lord…